So, everyone is
sitting at home, stuck in limbo as we wait to find out if
civilization is coming to an end. If it is, then it's been a heck of
a ride, but it really seems that this whole situation is very
overblown.
That's not to say
that people aren't suffering and dying; obviously, that's not the
case. But people have been suffering and dying for centuries, even
millennia, and we don't have a major crisis every time it happens. I
remember the SARS scare, of course, which turned out to be much ado
about not very much. And I grew up during the origins of the AIDS
panic, which turned out to be largely restricted to a particular
sub-set of the population. To this day, I've still not met anyone who
suffered from AIDS. SARS, either. But now, Coronavirus is the great
leveler, the one that is bringing down the mighty and the small all
together.
Now, for someone
like me, there's really not much of a difference. I work in an
industry that has basically become an essential service (internet
tech support), so I'm still going to work every day while my family
sits at home and waits for the all-clear. It's like everyone is in a
miniature bomb-shelter in the Cold War, waiting for word that the
fallout has cleared.
I'm sure that there
are people reading this who think that I'm being ridiculous, that
it's a global pandemic and that I'm an insensitive jerk (or worse)
who doesn't care that people are suffering. That's not true; I do
care that people are suffering. What I find hard toa ccept is that
this is so much worse than the last seven or eight of these
'epidemics' that have come down the pipe. Covid-19 has become the new
Black Plague, except with a lot less dead people.
So, how do we
survive Corona-chan aside from avoiding all human contact? Which, by
the way, is the preferred method of dealing with most situations for
a growing percentage of the population. The internet has replaced
human contact for a lot of people, so this is just an extension of
that. However, according to the vast majority of the population,
toilet paper is an essential component to surviving this mini-plague.
By the time anyone
reads this, the virus panic is likely to be over, so it doesn't
really matter what I say. I can make jokes, I can provide silly
advice, who really cares? It's complete freedom!
So, in no particular
order, here are my recommendations for overcoming the odds and
surviving the deadly plague that is sweeping the globe.
First, don't be old.
The latest numbers indicate that in Italy, one of the hardest-hit
locales in the Western world, the average age of the deceased is over
80 years of age. So, clearly, the most important factor in surviving
this is to be younger than that. The younger, the better. Now, this
isn't a 'state of mind' thing; you can't pretend you're only thirty
when you're pushing seventy-five. No one's going to believe you, for
one thing, no matter how much Oil of Olay you're using. Mentally
regressing to your childhood won't help, either.
Second, don't be
sick. The virus itself isn't killing people; again, going to Italy,
the deceased are elderly people who have pre-existing conditions,
especially lung problems. If you've got COPD or recurring pneumonia,
stay away from everyone. Seriously, stay away. Nothing good will come
of human contact for you. If you're old and have lung issues, lock
the doors, hide in the basement, and send out drones to scope out the
landscape before you poke your head above ground again.
Third, don't be
stupid. This one is the most difficult to overcome, because people
have a pronounced tendency to demonstrate gross stupidity in times of
crisis. So, what qualifies as 'stupid' in this case? Things like
licking a toilet seat, like someone did on Youtube, calling it the
'Corona challenge.' Actually, if you're that stupid, by all means,
hang out by the emergency rooms of the hospital and take deep
breaths; we'll all be better off once you're eliminated from the gene
pool.
All seriousness
aside, just stay home, unless you absolutely can't. And use less
squares of TP; they'll last longer, and you won't have to run all
over town trying to find that elusive hidden 4-pack. Because it won't
be there, believe me.
Aside from that,
there's not much else to say. Upgrade your internet speed to counter
the inevitable slow-downs coming from the increased usage everywhere,
and get a good book to read while you're hunkering down and hiding
from the Kung Flu. I recommend the following:
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